The Baal Tshuva

B”H

 The Baal Tshuva In mixed Marriges and Families Part One


This  article is lyhilyu nishmas my mother Bluma Bas Esther a'h whose yatrziet is this Thursday 11 adar 5773.

may she be a gutta better for all her family




I believe one of the most difficult positions, a baal tshua may be in, is when as an individual they make a choice to become closer to Yiddsihkiet,  and the rest of the family does not follow.

This issue can apply to a family that is religious and one member of the family decides to become lax in observance or "drop-out" g-d forbid.

Or in a family which is not yet religious and one member decides to become more so.

The challenge, to change direction in life, whether to become closer to G-d and His practice or G-d forbid the opposite , can be found in every family.

Whether a family and individual,  who is originally from a religious background and wishes to become more observant and the family is pushing him back.

Or for one who is originally from a  secular background and now wishes to practice and follow the strict letter of Torah law.

There is much pain and struggle here with all parties involved and it works both ways.

One the one hand, each person has the prerogative to live their life as they see fit ,  on the other hand, they have a  responsibility to the people they have created  a life with and committed themselves to,  in the past, before they decided to change.

For a one to say ; "there is no discussion here! The Torah must be observed under all circumstances, and how  the person who is making the change to become more religious is  affecting others, is irrelevant"!

That is indeed true, Torah must be observed, but the issue here is not whether to keep Torah, but how to do so within Torah guidelines, with out destroying a family unnecessarily.

How it is done is the key.

The same one cannot say to the person failing in their observance; "You are destroying your family and must begin to return to Torah at once! Or else leave the family! ".

That too is in appropriate.

A better and more  functional  approach, which can hopefully keep the family together, and allow each individuals freedom,  and yet respects the same in the other, is to find a Halachic way.

One which would allow under the circumstances, and case to case basis,

what can be compromised and what can not!


The key issue here is achieving balance, between personal choice and familial responsibility  through compromise.

The question boils down to:

How much is one obligated to give in for "Shalom Bais" - Peace in the Home"?

How does one juggle the stability of the home and yet be true to yourself ?  To keep the continuity of the family structure and yet live your life  what you believe you are or have become, when the family, "your" family, seems now, not be you anymore.

Let us look to Torah.

Our Sages discuss regarding whether one may sin, in order to save another from sinning.

Do we say "Chet, B'shvil Sh'yizka Chavercho"; "Sin, in order that you friend should not commit any sin"; or even a greater one.

The Talmud ( Sabbath 4:1) discuss a case where one put bread into an oven on Sabbath "bmazid;on purpose, do we allow him to remove the bread, before it gets baked or not.

If the bread is allowed to bake , being he put it in on purpose'"b'mezed",he will be "chayav" - found guilty of purposeful desecration of Sabbath, which carries with it "skila", the death penalty.

Or is another allowed to remove the bread, for him.

Is one allowed to do an "issur kal" -light prohibition" (Rashi) to saves his friend from a "onash chomer" -severe punishment" (Rashi).

Tosfot on the page ( Shabbat 4:1 ) comments, that at times we do allow one to commit a light sin to save another from sinning, in these cases.

1- When the sin the other will do, is somehow due to you own actions, we commit a "light sin" to help another avoid a "grave one".

2- The more serious sin has not been done yet.

3- when the serious sin, if allowed un-checked, will affect the "rabim" public.

4-when there is duress, or a situation that is forced, we take precautions to remove that situation by committing a light sin to save from a more severe on.


Hence, Tosfas, concludes that the case of the person who put in the bread, does not have any of these issues, and one would be prohibited for another to remove the bread.


Rabbi Shneur Zalmen of Liadi in his Shulchan Aruch writes (Hilchot Shabbat 306:29)

in the case where a person daughter is kidnapped, g-d forbidm to remove her from Judaism.  The father is obligated to desecrate the Sabbath to save her. Whether his success is certain or not, as in the case with physical well being, the same with spiritual well being, we "break" the Sabbath even for a doubt. (see kuntros achron).

The logic being that "best to desecrate one Sabbath then to have her desecrate many", in this case,  if not saved, she will stop keeping Sabbath all together.

Not only is the father obligated to do this for his own daughter but even for another persons daughter, there is a mitzvah to save her,  even if it means doing "melecho-gemura" "absolute-work" on Sabbath.

However, in a case that the issue is not to remove the individual from Judaism, but only to commit a single sin, then we may not desecrate the Sabbath, however we may "break" a rabbinic rule, so that another should not commit a more serious one.

Only in the case where the person himself has chosen to commit the sin. As in the case of the putting in the bread on Sabbath , on purpose is one not obligated to remove the bread to save their friend from a graver sin.


G-d willing next issue how this applies in Mixed Marriage and Family's of various observance.

A Happy Purim to All and Miracles in our Lives.

to contact me please email rabbiyw@yahoo.com