The Baal Thsuva : Mixed Marriages and Families Part 2

The Baal Thsuva : Mixed Marriages and Families Part 2

in honor of the Lubavitcher Rebbe's Birthday on 11 Nissan 5773


There is a famous Thsuva of Rabbi Moshe Fienstien Z"L ( Egros Moshe Yora Deah Chelek Alef) discussing the heter-"permissibility" of "cholov -stam" .

To explain, the Torah prohibits milk from non kosher animals i.e.  camels, horses etc.

Chalav Yisroel : means that a Jew supervised the milking of the animal and saw it was from a kosher animal and nothing UN-kosher was mixed into it.

Chalav Akum : means milk that is from a gentle where no such supervision occurred and the suspicion of non-kosher milk being mixed into it is real.


Chalav Stam: is where though a Jew did not supervise the milking, there are other reasons that are strong enough to compel the gentile to only have in the milk the ingredients he say is there i.e. fear of government and loss of his license etc.

Hence R" Moshe says; though it is best to have "cholov yisroel, especialy for Jewish children, he explains that in the USA where a company has government regulation and supervision, it would not be worth for a company to lie and mix in non kosher milk when he claims it kosher. It would cost them more then what it is worth.

 In terms of halacha this is called "mirsas" -fear, the gentile- company is afraid to lie.

Taking this a step further, we see Hashem allows his name to be erased in the case of a "Sota", the women who is suspected of being with another man outside of her husband.

G-d says erase my name to clarify whether this was indeed the case and allow the marriage to be saved.

From all of the above we have a few ideas to consider.


1- in the case where children are involved in a marriage and a spouse has decided to leave or be lax in yiddsihkiet. Would that qualify as the case of the child being taken away from yiddishkiet?

Is one allowed to "break" the  shabbat to save the yiddishkiet of their children while they are at home being influenced by a family member to be lenient.

Perhaps we can not be mchalal a derosa- a biblical prohibition, nor can anyone say with certainty to desecrate  a d'rabanon- rabbinic one, however the case here is that it is not you that is committing the sin but the person in the house who is not interested  in yiddishhkiet at this time.

And they are encouraging or acting in away that says ; "this is a chumra" and unnecessary stringency"  or "this is only derabonon" a rabbinic decree"  or  " its all fanaticism and just extreme"...regarding a custom or rabbinic fence i.e. muktza.


in a case like this a) its not you who are committing this sin b) nor is it due to your actions that that person is sinning  c) we know that many children at risk and adults who have lost their love for yiddishkiet have been raised in broken homes. and in this case a family member is doing the "shmad" anti-religion campaign?

Now a) does the couple need to divorce r'l  b) is a "macho" - protest needed every time, or is it enough you do it from time to time, being that every time a protest is made a family fight irrupts.

Is it in the right of the "frum" spouse to decide to stay in the marriage and not protest all the time and/ or allow some "kullolt" - lenience in the home , so that the family stays together.

There is a better chance that the children will have at least some yiddisjhkiet instaed of abondaining it all r"l.

take the case of chalav stam.

i know of a Baal Tshuva couple who married late in life, one was more committed then the other to Yiddishkiet. B"H they had children and one of them wanted only "cholov yisroel" in the home the other did not care and brought in "chalav stam". Every time the spouse would bring it home , when that one left the other would run to the fridge, freezer and remove it.

Now what is the issue?

 Is the  person feeding to it the children? Then yes you have a right to protest , as you both have a say in how to raise the children.

However what if it is for the personal use of that person and their taste of food.

They are not feeding it to anyone else in the family nor negating "chalav yisreol" they only refuse to budge due to personal preference.

Does the spouse have a right to remove it from the home?

Is the loss greater then the gain in long term?

Many cases can be discussed.

A Baal Tshuva child invited home to eat. The parents are insulted by their child's refusal to eat in their home. Must he demand every chumra or swallow at times their demands,

If say ,its not exactly the type of "hechsher"- kosher supervision he is used too ,as long as it is glatt kosher and a reliable kosher supervision should he accept it, or put up a fight?

And certainly not try to teach them.

Many cases can be discussed.

 The question here is whether a Baal Tshuva finds themselves in a certain situations, may they according to Halacha- Jewish Law,  rely on doing a "bedeved " an "after that fact " solution "Lechatchila- " from the start.

Of course each case much be discussed with a competent Orthodox Rav and the Rav must in addition to possessing knowledge of Jewish Law, must  know "The Fifth Book of Shulchan Aruch"  know as "Secehl" common sense.

G-d willing next issue " The Baal Tshuva and Dating"

Wishing all a Kosher , Healthy and Happy Yom Tov and Gelua Now!

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The Baal Tshuva

B”H

 The Baal Tshuva In mixed Marriges and Families Part One


This  article is lyhilyu nishmas my mother Bluma Bas Esther a'h whose yatrziet is this Thursday 11 adar 5773.

may she be a gutta better for all her family




I believe one of the most difficult positions, a baal tshua may be in, is when as an individual they make a choice to become closer to Yiddsihkiet,  and the rest of the family does not follow.

This issue can apply to a family that is religious and one member of the family decides to become lax in observance or "drop-out" g-d forbid.

Or in a family which is not yet religious and one member decides to become more so.

The challenge, to change direction in life, whether to become closer to G-d and His practice or G-d forbid the opposite , can be found in every family.

Whether a family and individual,  who is originally from a religious background and wishes to become more observant and the family is pushing him back.

Or for one who is originally from a  secular background and now wishes to practice and follow the strict letter of Torah law.

There is much pain and struggle here with all parties involved and it works both ways.

One the one hand, each person has the prerogative to live their life as they see fit ,  on the other hand, they have a  responsibility to the people they have created  a life with and committed themselves to,  in the past, before they decided to change.

For a one to say ; "there is no discussion here! The Torah must be observed under all circumstances, and how  the person who is making the change to become more religious is  affecting others, is irrelevant"!

That is indeed true, Torah must be observed, but the issue here is not whether to keep Torah, but how to do so within Torah guidelines, with out destroying a family unnecessarily.

How it is done is the key.

The same one cannot say to the person failing in their observance; "You are destroying your family and must begin to return to Torah at once! Or else leave the family! ".

That too is in appropriate.

A better and more  functional  approach, which can hopefully keep the family together, and allow each individuals freedom,  and yet respects the same in the other, is to find a Halachic way.

One which would allow under the circumstances, and case to case basis,

what can be compromised and what can not!


The key issue here is achieving balance, between personal choice and familial responsibility  through compromise.

The question boils down to:

How much is one obligated to give in for "Shalom Bais" - Peace in the Home"?

How does one juggle the stability of the home and yet be true to yourself ?  To keep the continuity of the family structure and yet live your life  what you believe you are or have become, when the family, "your" family, seems now, not be you anymore.

Let us look to Torah.

Our Sages discuss regarding whether one may sin, in order to save another from sinning.

Do we say "Chet, B'shvil Sh'yizka Chavercho"; "Sin, in order that you friend should not commit any sin"; or even a greater one.

The Talmud ( Sabbath 4:1) discuss a case where one put bread into an oven on Sabbath "bmazid;on purpose, do we allow him to remove the bread, before it gets baked or not.

If the bread is allowed to bake , being he put it in on purpose'"b'mezed",he will be "chayav" - found guilty of purposeful desecration of Sabbath, which carries with it "skila", the death penalty.

Or is another allowed to remove the bread, for him.

Is one allowed to do an "issur kal" -light prohibition" (Rashi) to saves his friend from a "onash chomer" -severe punishment" (Rashi).

Tosfot on the page ( Shabbat 4:1 ) comments, that at times we do allow one to commit a light sin to save another from sinning, in these cases.

1- When the sin the other will do, is somehow due to you own actions, we commit a "light sin" to help another avoid a "grave one".

2- The more serious sin has not been done yet.

3- when the serious sin, if allowed un-checked, will affect the "rabim" public.

4-when there is duress, or a situation that is forced, we take precautions to remove that situation by committing a light sin to save from a more severe on.


Hence, Tosfas, concludes that the case of the person who put in the bread, does not have any of these issues, and one would be prohibited for another to remove the bread.


Rabbi Shneur Zalmen of Liadi in his Shulchan Aruch writes (Hilchot Shabbat 306:29)

in the case where a person daughter is kidnapped, g-d forbidm to remove her from Judaism.  The father is obligated to desecrate the Sabbath to save her. Whether his success is certain or not, as in the case with physical well being, the same with spiritual well being, we "break" the Sabbath even for a doubt. (see kuntros achron).

The logic being that "best to desecrate one Sabbath then to have her desecrate many", in this case,  if not saved, she will stop keeping Sabbath all together.

Not only is the father obligated to do this for his own daughter but even for another persons daughter, there is a mitzvah to save her,  even if it means doing "melecho-gemura" "absolute-work" on Sabbath.

However, in a case that the issue is not to remove the individual from Judaism, but only to commit a single sin, then we may not desecrate the Sabbath, however we may "break" a rabbinic rule, so that another should not commit a more serious one.

Only in the case where the person himself has chosen to commit the sin. As in the case of the putting in the bread on Sabbath , on purpose is one not obligated to remove the bread to save their friend from a graver sin.


G-d willing next issue how this applies in Mixed Marriage and Family's of various observance.

A Happy Purim to All and Miracles in our Lives.

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