BH
The Baal Tshuva In Dating and Marriage
The issue: Should a B.T. marry a B.T. and an F.F.B. marry an F.F.B. preferable,or there is no rule.
Or, it makes no difference; one can and should can marry the other as long as they have the same values and commitment to Torah and each other.
In attempting to answer this question, i believe you really need to look at what the Torah says about marriage in general, and then see how it is applicable to our case.
The Talmud ( Sotah 2:1 ) teaches, that matching two people together in marriage is as difficult as splitting the sea.
Yet it also teaches, that before a child is born, the match is already made.
The Talmud explains that in a first marriage, the match is made before the child is born, while in a second marriage, it depends on the persons good actions and deeds, and is hence "difficult" for G-d to match them.
We see then, that in marriage there are two possibilities; "A Match Made in Heaven" - his or her "Mazel" . Or a partner based on the person's own "worthiness" .
In the first case one can get better or worse then what they deserve in the second, each one gets exactly what they deserve.
Never the less, upon reflection, one might say that every marriage is really a combination of both; "Mazel"- and "Good Deeds".
Why? Because every marriage needs work, in order for it to succeed, i.e. "good deeds" even if it is "made in heaven". And also a "match" that is based on the person qualities; "good deeds" is also "Made in Heaven", for as Jews we believe all is "Bashert"; from Hashem!
Every marriage is really, both made in heaven and in earth;
"Mazal" and "Good Deeds".
The difference between them is only the process Hashem uses to bring them together.
However"Hishtadlus"; doing your part is necessary in any marriage, both before you marry as well as once you marry.
Combined with this is "Siata Dishmaie" "heavenly assistance that your efforts succeed to lead you to the right choice, whom to marry and once married to to keep you marriage good!
In practice we find in Halacha ( Jewish Law) that though a marriage may be made in "heaven" , we do do not delay a prospective match, because another might “come first” and take it away.
Even things made in heaven need our help!
Of the "Hishtadlus" -"doing our part", is researching the prospective match.
This we find in the biblical match between Aharon HaKohen and Elisheva, the verse, in describing the match, states (Shemot 6: 23) that Elisheva was, "Achos Nachshon"; the sister of Nachshon.
Rashi comments and says; "From here we see, how before one marries a women, they should check out her brothers".
The Talmud (Ba'ba Basra 110.1) explains that this is due to to the fact, that most of the children will be like the brothers of the mother.
The children's uncles.
We are not referring here to the “Kashrut” of the lineage; i.e. if they are permitted to marry, if they are Jewish , had a kosher conversion, where born from a legitimate kosher marriages etc. (See Torah Tem'mima Chumash note 15).
We are speaking if the children of the marriage , will be righteous.
In the case of Elishiva, her brother Nachshon, was the leader of the tribe of Yehuda and indeed , this contributed to Aharon giving birth to a great Tzadik ; Pinchas .
Yet, what of the girl and her own virtues not only what kind of children they will have?
Is then a marriage only for the purpose of having children?
One can marry for many right reasons besides the Mitzvah of have children (see Shulchan Aruch - Even Ezra).
Indeed we see how in the "Shidduch" of both Yitzchok and Yaakov Avenu, the qualities of the girl, mattered not only lineage.
(though they could not marry any one from Canaan....and Rivkah and Rachel, where really from Avrohom's family...)
When Eleizer , Abraham's servant was looking for a match for Yitzchok he did not look at the brother of Rivkah, only if she would be willing to give them water.
The test was to see if she is kind and have a kind heart!
By Yaakov's match the commentaries (Sefsie Chachomim) point out, that though Rachel had an evil father, Lavan , she still was a righteous women.
Never the less, we see, that it was actually due to Rivkah having a wicked brother, Lavan, she had a wicked son; Esau (see Maharsha B.B. 110 .1 ) !
We can surmise form all this that "yichus"; marrying into a religious family and one which has scholars and righteous people in it, is very important (See Shulchan Aruch Even Ezra Siman 2 Seaf 6) .
Yet personal virtue and character is of equal importance.
For the children to have a better chance of being good, it helps if they have,"yichus"-"lineage", "Zchut Avot" "merits of the father".
However as far as the success of the marriage itself, it is the personal character and virtue that matter most.
Thus , when looking for a prospective marriage partner, one should try to find one that has both:
a) good family roots and ancestry.
b) good personal character and quality.
At times I hear Baali Tshuva complaining, when it comes to a "shidduch",
of the hypocrisy of the F.F.B. community
Though the F.F.B. community may extol the virtues of the B.T. , the B.T. claims , and say they welcome them into the community.
When it comes to a "shidduch", they will not let their son or daughter marry one.
In truth, I have seen very successful marriage between B.T. and F.F.B.
Personally, I think, like in every marriage, the issue is a question of the character and values of the people involved.
Not of the background alone, F.F.B. or a B.T.
However, being that a marriage is about compatibility, it makes perfect sense that each, should try to marry, one of similar background and experiences.
A, F.F.B. that marries another F.F.B. and B.T. that marries another B.T., that share similar backgrounds and experiences might have a better chance of success.
This does not take away the need to work on communication and being good to each other!
But there is more compatibility in the marriage and understanding.
So it does make some sense that a B.T. should marry a B.T. and an F.F.B. should marry and F.F.B.
Another argument is the a F.F.B. , having been brought up in a "frum" home, and seen the sanctity of marriage, might work harder to make it work out.
If Gd forbid ,a marriage is going bad, to be more prone to "suffer" a bad marriage for the sake of the children.
While a B.T. being brought up in a secular environment, where self happiness and fulfillment matters more. Especially in the U.S.A., might end a marriage quicker nor wish to put in the same effort or suffer through it until the children are older.
They will put their personal happiness before the children's need for happiness and stability in the home.
But again, this is not always the case, nor necessary better.
We can find a F.F.B. person who has drifted away from yiddishkiet, and might stay in a marriage for the "sake of the children" ....yet kill the marriage every day.
Unfortunately this can happen both to a male or female partner, they are married but living alone at home. A "home alone" aguna- agun.
In summation we see that the person one marries, is both a personal choice and "Bashert".
There is no absolute rule whether one should marry only of "good stock" or marry one of "good nature" .
Whether a B.T. should marry a B.T. or a F.F.B. an F.F.B.
It’s really a blend of both as well of compatibility to each other.
At times, people who come from similar backgrounds might be better and at times it makes no difference or is not better that way at all.
What is important, is that they:
1) Are physical, mentally and emotionally healthy.
2) Have good character; patient, not demanding, kind.
3) Have "Yirat Shomaim", the same moral and Torah values and "frumkiet".
4) Desire the same type of home and chinuch for children.
5) Able to communicate their needs and wants clearly.
6) Able to show emotions and affection.
7)Physical attraction.
8) On the same page as to how important or not important materiel wealth is.
9) A happy and mature person. Not blame others.
10) Able to deal with stressful situations.
11) Think positive for the future.
12) See the good and believe that all that occurs is from Hashem.
As for the issue of "yichus" and the children following that nature of the brothers...
Think for a moment; In a marriage first the couple , meet , marry and live together then they have, Gd willing, children.
Later, after the children marry, G-d willing, they are again alone with each other. What then?
The essence of the marriage is the couple , not the children!
Secondly,If the couple cannot get along with each other , how will they raise children together?
As for the yichus, perhaps we can say:
a) A marriage that has respect, love and goodness. Parents that are good examples to emulate, is the best way to have good children, Bezras Hashem!
b) Tshuva is so powerful, that it acts as an antidote to past deeds and even family linage.
Tshuva has the power , can and does over come even family pedigree and will insure good children!
Two stories.
1- The Mazritcher Maggid zatzal, when a child had his home burnt down g-d forbid.
His mother wept.
The Maggid asked why so many tears. She said that there was a letter that had all of their "yichus” written down and now it is lost. The Maggid then said to his mother; “do not worry. A new "yichus" will start with me. And so it was!
2-A great Rebbi once commented regarding "Yichus"; "it is like zeros on a check.... the more zeros the better but there needs to be a one before all the zeros...". "Yichus" actually obligates a person , not free's them from personal responsibility!
Next article Gd willing" The Baal Tshuva and the Shadchan
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